Parent Privilege Is Real. And If You're Facing Infertility, It Hurts.
There’s something that doesn’t get talked about enough in infertility.
Not the shots. Not the waiting. Not even the grief.
It’s something quieter. But it shows up everywhere.
Parent privilege.
Once you start noticing it, you can’t unsee it.
And if you’re trying to become a parent, it can feel like a constant reminder of what you don’t have yet.
What is parent privilege?
Parent privilege is all the unspoken ways the world bends, just a little, for people who have kids.
It’s not that parents are doing anything wrong. Most of this isn’t intentional.
It’s just… built into how life works.
At work, it might look like:
More flexibility with schedules
Fewer questions when they need to leave suddenly
Understanding when they miss meetings
Easy approval for time off when a child is sick
Built-in conversation topics that help them bond with coworkers
They can say, “My kid is sick,” and the conversation ends there. No explanation needed.
Meanwhile, if you’re going through IVF, you might be juggling early morning monitoring, procedures, and recovery… while trying to make it all look seamless. Research has shown how work requirements can be a barrier to receiving fertility treatments.
And often, no one really knows.
The part that stings
There are a million blogs about how hard it is to be a parent.
And yes, parenting is hard.
But that’s not what this is about.
This is about how being a parent comes with a kind of social permission that you don’t get when you’re trying to become one.
Parents can:
Cancel plans without pushback
Laugh about being exhausted and get empathy
Blame the messy house on the kids
Take a “break day” and have it make sense to others
Easily connect with other parents
Even answering something simple like, “How was your weekend?” is easier.
“We were running around with the kids.”
Done. Accepted. No follow-up needed.
But if you don’t have kids, there can be this quiet pressure to have something to show. Something to explain.
The grief no one names
If you’re in this space, you’re not just wanting a baby.
You’re wanting to be part of something that the world seems to organize itself around.
You’re wanting:
The identity of being a parent
The ease of belonging
The understanding that comes without explaining
And when you don’t have that yet, it can feel like you’re standing just outside of a circle everyone else gets to be in.
That’s a very real kind of grief.
Not just for the child you don’t have yet, but for the life that seems to come with it.
A personal note
I used to feel this pressure all the time around work.
On days without appointments, I would try to pack my schedule so tightly. I didn’t want to fall behind. I didn’t want to run out of PTO. I didn’t want to look unreliable.
There was no margin.
Now?
It feels like the easiest thing in the world to say, “I can’t work today, my kid is sick.”
Last week, I canceled two full days of sessions because of illness in my house.
No overthinking. No over-explaining.
Just… accepted.
And that shift has not been lost on me.
If this brings something up for you
If you feel yourself getting irritated, jealous, or even a little bitter when you notice parent privilege…
That makes sense.
Those feelings aren’t a problem.
They’re information.
They’re pointing to something you care deeply about.
And you don’t have to minimize that just because other people have it hard too.
Two things can be true:
Parenting is hard
And not being a parent when you want to be is also incredibly hard
You don’t have to carry this alone
One of the hardest parts of infertility is how isolating it can feel.
Especially when this layer of the experience isn’t talked about openly.
Sometimes the most helpful thing is being able to say, out loud:
“This part actually really hurts.”
Whether that’s with a trusted friend who gets it, or in therapy, you deserve space for that.
If you’re looking for support
If you’re navigating infertility and finding yourself stuck in these kinds of emotional loops, you’re not alone.
I offer infertility counseling and therapy for infertility for women in Boston and Seattle, and virtually.
This work is about making space for the full experience. Not just the parts that are easy to talk about.
If you’re ready for support, you can schedule a consultation here.
